PRESS RELEASE: November 17, 2008 For Immediate Release

MEDIA CONTACT:
Beverly Crowl, Public Relations Specialist
302-547-1816 This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it


It’s simply not the most wonderful time of the year for everybody, particularly for those who are grieving the loss of a loved one. At the Family Support Center’s “Lunch Bunch Workshop,” Dr. Judy Pierson, Ed.D., Licensed Clinical Psychologist & Bereavement Counselor, discussed why the holidays are so difficult and what can be done to lessen the burden.

Dr. Judy pointed out that the holidays are stressful during the best of times. “There’s too much and too little, too much to do and too little time, too much to buy and too little money. There are unrealistic expectations for perfection: the perfect meal, perfect decorations, perfect gifts, and perfect family visits. Some people long for the magical feelings of childhood or to belong to that ‘Hallmark family’ and suffer the disappointments of nostalgia never equaling holiday realities or of family problems that don’t magically disappear during the holidays. ”

Especially when coping with a loss, Dr. Judy recommends that you allow yourself to “be imperfect and do less. As human beings, we are not perfect and few of us come from a ‘Hallmark’ family.”

With the focus of the holidays on traditions, memories and family gatherings, your feelings of grief will be intensified and there’s no way to avoid the reality of the absence of this person. Rather, you need to make space for it and surround yourself with people who understand your feelings and who can support you.

Practically, you need to focus on yourself.

Be honest about how you feel and what you are able to do. Don’t go to every event. If you do, address the ‘elephant in the room’—the fact that Dad’s not here or Mom’s not here, acknowledging the loss. Sharing with others provides a wonderful opportunity for healing.

Don’t feel guilty if a moment of fun takes you by surprise; you know your loved one would want you to have moments of happiness.

Understand that music is strong trigger of emotions and memories and that it is everywhere during the holidays.

Drink in moderation, remembering that alcohol may be around in abundance leading to the temptation to drink too much.

When grieving, it is normal to feel periods of deep exhaustion. The holidays will add to that exhaustion. For this reason, Dr. Pierson urges radical self care. Make sure you eat enough and sleep enough.

Have a family meeting ahead of time to decide what everyone wants to do this first Christmas without Mom. Consider creating a ritual, because ignoring your loss colors your whole day. Light a candle, put up a photo or a plate of his or her favorite cookies. If you don’t create a space for the loss, it’s like a cloud hanging over the family.

Carry something that belonged to your loved one with you to help you feel connected to that person--your husband’s watch, your wife’s ring, a scarf, etc. You don’t even have to tell anyone about it, which recreates an intimacy that you had with that person.

If there are roles the deceased used to play, you should figure out who is going to take over that job. You might want to simply cut out traditions, but try to keep each person’s favorite part of the holidays. Ask everyone to list their three favorite things, and keep at least one thing from each list that’s important if you can’t do all three, such as baking sugar cookies, decorating the tree together.

Plan ahead and think about what’s going to be helpful to you or what nurtures you. Educate the people around you about what you need. Tell people how they can help you; they will appreciate it. Trust your own instincts rather than what people think you should do. Set limits and say no. If it’s too hard, don’t go to events, this year. People will understand.

Don’t expect to change family dynamics, and don’t isolate yourself completely because staying alone all day is not the best thing, but do something that works for you. For example, don’t go for dinner, but go for dessert.

Cut down on your shopping or skip it all together this year. Use gift certificates. If your loved one had a favorite book, give it to everyone on your list.

Give yourself permission to cry if you need to. Don’t be critical of yourself. If you see other couples and you’re jealous, this is normal and okay.

You might create some rituals to remember your loved one. Place a candle and photo of your loved one on a table and ask each person to write down or share how that person lives on within them. Create a Memory Book from photos, letters, or favorite stories. Buy angels for the Christmas tree or decorate ornaments in honor of that person. Tie a message to a balloon and release the balloon, symbolically sending that message to them.

Finally, realize that the anticipation is almost always worse than the actual experience. Anticipation might last two months, but the holidays pass quickly in reality.

Remember the saying, “It takes more courage to let one tear fall…..than to keep a thousand inside you.” Keep that in mind when you find yourself needing to cry.

And remember that the most important part of the holidays is that it is all about love. Ironically, we grieve because we have loved and been loved.

The “Lunch Bunch” lectures series at the Delaware Hospice Center in Milford, from 12 to 1:30 p.m. is free and open to the public. On Friday, December 5th, the topic will be “Living a Meaningful Life.”

Organized by Delaware Hospice’s Family Support Center, the “Lunch Bunch” Lecture Series is an outreach to help the community with all support needs that they might have, not just bereavement. Associate Director of the Family Support Center, Vicki Costa, said, “Everyone is welcome to attend, not just those who are caregivers or who have suffered a loss. Many individuals suffer with depression through the holidays, from a divorce, or perhaps empty nest syndrome. We hope everyone will feel welcome to participate in our community activities.”

To register or learn more, call Vicki Costa, Associate Director of the Family Support Center, at 302-856-7717, ext. 1129, or 1-800-838-9800.

By Beverly Crowl, This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it

PHOTO CAPTION: Dr. Judy Pierson, MSW, Bereavement Counselor for Delaware Hospice, spoke about “The Ups and Downs of the Holidays,” to more than 30 members of the community at the Lunch Bunch workshop on Nov. 7, at the Delaware Hospice Center in Milford.

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